Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Think before you speak...

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Depressed about the state of the USA

Depressed about the state of the USA


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".


Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".


Now the Government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.


I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.  I told them I was suicidal.


They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Onion update.....

Onion update.........

Onions Prevent Influenza Infection-Unproven! Summary of the eRumor:   This is a forwarded email about onions.   It says that during a 1919 influenza  scare farmers would cut onions and place them on plates to  ward off  infection.   It also warns about leftover onions and how they can be  poisonous to dogs.  The Truth:   There is no medical evidence that onions attracts viruses.  Onions have been  mythically thought to ward off diseases since the days of the bubonic plague  in the middle ages.   The web site does warn that onions are  unsafe for dogs and included the tasty vegetable on their list of toxins for  dogs.  Left over onions, alone, may not be toxic but can easily pick up contamination  from preparation utensils., a website in the United  Kingdom offering expert food safety tips, suggests using different cutting  boards when preparing meals and vegetables, to prevent cross-contamination.     The web site also warns that bacteria, viruses and parasites can grow in a  matter of 20 minutes on a cutting board that was used for uncooked meat if  not cleaned properly. It is not difficult for onions and other vegetables to  pick up  such microorganism that are invisible to the naked eye.  Natural  enzymes in vegetables may even inhibit growth.  If stored improperly, onions can eventually go bad.  The National Onion  Association posted suggestions on their web site regarding the storage of  unprepared onions recommending that be stored in a cool dry place where air  can be allowed to circulate.  Depending on the type, onions can be last in  storage between 30 to 180 days.  They also said that "Chopped or sliced  onions can be stored in a sealed container in your refrigerator for up to 7  days."     

Sunday, April 18, 2010


ONIONS -- Who Would've Thought?
In 1919 when the flu killed 40 million people, there was a doctor who visited many farmers to see if he could help them combat the flu.  Many of the farmers and their family had contracted it, and many died.

The doctor came upon one farmer, and to his surprise, everyone in the household was very healthy.  When the doctor asked what the farmer was doing that was different, the wife replied that she had placed an unpeeled onion in a dish in the rooms of the home (probably only two rooms back then).  The doctor couldn't believe it and asked if he
could have one of the onions and place it under the microscope.  She gave him one, and when he did this, he did find the flu virus in the onion.  It obviously absorbed the bacteria, therefore, keeping the family healthy.
Now, I heard this story from my hairdresser in AZ.  She said that several years ago many of her employees were coming down with the flu and so were many of her customers. The next year she placed several bowls with onions around in her shop.  To her surprise, none of her staff got sick.  It must work... (And no, she is not in the onion business.)
The moral of the story is, buy some onions and place them in bowls around your home.  If you work at a desk, place one or two in your office or under your desk or even on top
somewhere.  Try it and see what happens.  We did it last year, and we never got the flu. 
If this helps you and your loved ones from getting sick, all the better.  If you do get the flu, it just might be a mild case. What ever, what have you to lose?  Just a few bucks on onions!
Now there is a P.S. to this, for I sent it to a friend in Oregon who regularly contributes material to me on health issues..  She replied with this most interesting experience about onions:  Thanks for the reminder. I don't know about the farmer's story...but I do know that I contracted pneumonia, and needless to say I was very ill.  I came across an
article that said to cut both ends off an onion.  Put one end on a fork, and then place the forked end into an empty jar...placing the jar next to the sick patient at night. It said the onion would be black in the morning from the germs.  Sure enough, it happened just like that...the onion was a mess, and I began to feel better. 
Another thing I read in the article was that onions and garlic placed around the room saved many from the black plague years ago.  They have powerful antibacterial, antiseptic properties. 
This is the other note:  LEFTOVER ONIONS ARE POISONOUS!  I have used an onion which has been left in the fridge.  Sometimes I don't use a whole one at one time, so I save the other half for later.  Now with this info, I have changed my mind.  I will buy smaller onions in the future. 
I had the wonderful privilege of touring Mullins Food Products, makers of  mayonnaise.  Mullins is huge, and is owned by 11 brothers and sisters in the Mullins family.  My friend, Jeanne, is the CEO.  Questions about food poisoning came up, and I wanted to share what I learned from a chemist.  The guy who gave us our tour is named Ed.  He's one of the brothers.  Ed is a chemistry expert and is involved in developing most of the sauce formula.  He's even developed sauce formula for McDonald's.  Keep in mind that Ed is a food chemistry whiz. 
During the tour, someone asked if we really needed to worry about mayonnaise.  People are always worried that mayonnaise will spoil.  Ed's answer will surprise you.  Ed said that all commercially-made mayo is completely safe.  "It doesn't even have to be
refrigerated.  No harm in refrigerating it, but it's not really necessary."  He explained that the pH in mayonnaise is set at a point that bacteria could not survive in that environment.  He then talked about the quintessential picnic, with the bowl of potato
salad sitting on the table and how everyone blames the mayonnaise when someone gets sick. 
Ed says that when food poisoning is reported, the first thing the officials look for is when the 'victim' last ate ONIONS and where those onions came from (in the potato salad?).  Ed says it's not the mayonnaise (as long as it's not homemade mayo) that spoils in the outdoors.  It's probably the onions, and if not the onions, it's the POTATOES. 
He explained, onions are a huge magnet for bacteria, especially uncooked onions.  You should never plan to keep a portion of a sliced onion.  He says it's not even safe if you put it in a zip-lock bag and put it in your refrigerator. 
It's already contaminated enough just by being cut open and out for a bit, that it can be a danger to you (and doubly watch out for those onions you put on your hotdogs at the
baseball park!) 
Ed says if you take the leftover onion and cook it like crazy you'll probably be okay, but if you slice that leftover onion and put it on your sandwich, you're asking for trouble. 
Both the onions and the moist potato in a potato salad will attract and grow bacteria faster than any commercial mayonnaise will even begin to break down. 
So, how's that for news?  Take it for what you will.  I (the author) am going to be very careful about my onions from now on.  For some reason, I see a lot of credibility coming from a chemist and a company that produces millions of pounds of mayonnaise every year. 
Please remember it is dangerous to cut onions and try to use it to cook the next day.  It becomes highly poisonous for even a single night and creates toxic bacteria which may cause adverse stomach infections because of excess bile secretions and even food poisoning. 

Friday, April 16, 2010

World's Best Friend week

Think about this for a minute......

If I happened to show up on your door step crying, 
Would you care? 

If I called you and asked 
You to pick me up because something happened, 
Would you come? 

If I had one day left 
To live my life, 
Would you be part of 
That last day? 

If I needed a shoulder 
To cry on, 
Would you give me yours? 

This is a test to see 
Who your real 
Friends are or if you are just someone to talk to you 
When they are bored. 

Do you know what the relationship is between your two eyes? 

They blink together, 
They move together, 
They cry together, 
They see things together, 
And they sleep together, 
But they never see each other;
....that's what friendship is. 
Your aspiration is your motivation, your 
Motivation is your belief, 
Your belief is your peace, 
Your peace is your target, 
Your target is heaven, 
And life is like hard core torture without it! 

'World Best Friends Week' 

Who is your best friend? 

Send this to all your good friends, even me, 
If I am one of them.. 

See how many you get back. 

If you get more than 3 
Then you really are 
A lovable person... 

Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!!!!

Monday, April 12, 2010


Hello.  I enjoyed this one and thought you might also.............Larry

*You think English is easy???

*Read to the end . . a new twist** *

1) The bandage was* _wound_ *around the* _wound._ *

2) The farm was used to*_ produce produce_*.

3) The dump was so full that it had to*_ refuse_* more*_ refuse_*.

4) We must *_polish_* the*_ Polish _*furniture.

5) He could*_ lead_* if he would get the *_lead_* out..

6) The soldier decided to *_desert_* his dessert in the*_ desert. _*

7) Since there is no time like the *_present_*, he thought it was

time to*_ present_* the*_ present_ *

8) A*_ bass_* was painted on the head of the*_ bass _*drum.

9) When shot at, the*_ dove dove_* into the bushes.

10) I did not*_ object_* to the*_ object. _*

11) The insurance was*_ invalid_* for the*_ invalid. _*

12) There was a*_ row_* among the oarsmen about how to *_row_*...

13) They were too *_close_* to the door to*_ close_* it.

14) The buck*_ does_ *funny things when the*_ does_* are present.

15) A seamstress and a*_ sewer_* fell down into a*_ sewer_* line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his*_ sow_* to* _sow. _*

17) The*_ wind_* was too strong to*_ wind_* the sail.

18) Upon seeing the*_ tear_* in the painting I shed a*_ tear. _*

19) I had to *_subject_* the*_ subject_* to a series of tests.

20) How can I*_ intimate _*this to my most*_ intimate_* friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor

pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in

France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't

sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we

find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a

guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..


**You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any

other two-letter word, and that is *_'UP'_*

**It's easy to understand *_UP_, meaning toward the sky or at the

top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we

wake _UP_ ? At a meeting, why does a topic come _UP_ ? Why do we

speak _UP_ and why are the officers _UP_ for election and why is

it _UP_ to the secretary to write _UP_ a report ?

We call _UP_ our friends. And we use it to brighten _UP_ a room,

polish _UP_ the silver; we warm _UP_ the leftovers and

clean _UP_ the kitchen. We lock _UP_ the house and some guys

fix _UP_ the old car. At other times the little word has real

special meaning. People stir _UP_ trouble, line _UP_ for tickets,

work _UP_ an appetite, and think UP excuses.. To be dressed is one

thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this _UP_ is confusing: A drain must be opened _UP _because it

is stopped UP. We open _UP_ a store in the morning but we close

it _UP_ at night. *

We seem to be pretty mixed *_UP_ about _UP. _ To be knowledgeable

about the proper uses of _UP_, look the word _UP_ in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes _UP _almost 1/4th of the page

and can add _UP_ to about thirty definitions. If you are _UP_ to

it, you might try building _UP_ a list of the many ways _UP_ is

used. It will take _UP_ a lot of your time, but if you don't

give _UP_, you may wind _UP_ with a hundred or more. When it

threatens to rain, we say it is clouding _UP_ .. When the sun comes

out we say it is clearing _UP_ ...*

**When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things** **_UP._* *

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry *_UP_.*

**One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it *_UP_ , for now my time

is _UP_ , is time to shut _UP_ !

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Don't take your husband shopping


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels..

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15.... October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

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